Acknowledging Fear
- Jassyy bonsai
- Apr 28, 2022
- 6 min read
"Opportunities shrink, and roads not traveled become permanent regrets." [Psychoanalytic Approach to Problems in Living, p.89]
"Fear. It is a common reason why regrets exist. The thoughts of what may happen, and what others may think, that'll lead to unsuccessful turn out of events, and a disappointed self. Many doors of opportunities have been closed because of it, and it is not the expected start of overcoming challenges. Everything starts with ourselves, having the courage to start and a strong mind for the agenda is something too hard to grasp, something too difficult to find..."
Regrets exist: be it anger, sadness, or fear. In every aspect of life, one should not focus on trying to control everything. Not all things work the way you wanted them to, and you have to accept the unexpected and make a new goal. If fear interferes with one's challenges, it would likely be undone or unfinished, well, it actually depends on how people deal with their fears. There are people who add more negativity to it and that makes it heavy to their emotions which may lead to various ways of emotional expression. Thinking of the worst will make the outcome worst too. There are also people who look at the other side of fear: people around them, the experience, other personal reasons, and/or the regret. And it makes them more than their fear, they know how to handle it to not impede their acts.
Fear exists because we care for ourselves. We depend on what we think will hurt or affect us negatively because we only want what's best for us. We know the worth of our lives, and the heaviness of death, we don't things to hurt us physically, and emotionally because we care for ourselves. We don't want to be in a situation that, we know, would lower our self-esteem, make us embarrassed about everything.
Facing your fears doesn't mean they will fade, it means acknowledgment of that fear and being more than that. An act of bravery for self-achievement and satisfaction that you can carry as confidence — you have the strength to try and face your fears, and that says a lot about you as a person.
Fears exist because of expectations; maybe about failure. Truly, no one wants failure to capture one's self and one's works, even myself. We always want to do the 'best' because we have reason to be one; for someone, a goal, personal achievement, self, or to not be a disappointment. Sadly, some people have different situations in that they had to face their fears not for themselves, but for certain others. The people that expect from us tend to be the reason why we fear failure. Sometimes, it's us who expect from ourselves. I fear failure.
I fear failure. As much as I look nonchalant about almost everything, there is still fear of doing something wrong. I was in 8th grade when I first encountered my lowest grade — line of 70. I told my parents It's fine, I'll try to do better, but that is not sitting right with me. I felt devastated, of course, it was my first time receiving such a grade. Considering the situation at that time, I do think It's understandable, but repeating the same failure for the next quarters is not considerable, for me at least. 'Grades does not define you as a person' no, for me it does. It clearly shows how much of a failure I can get. It may be my excuse for studying hard because I do think that that quote is just an excuse to make one's grades acceptable for themselves and to make themselves pleased. To run away from the feeling of defeat, to whom they fear. One needs to hold themselves liable for the result, to be able to see what to change, and what to enhance. One needs to confront it and do something about it to enhance their work and themselves. It's a matter of self-exploration and bravery, it's not to boost one's ego, it's to learn. I just know that I already acknowledged this fear of mine, and it's still here, and I do think that it has no plan of going away soon, I'm doing my best to be a change for myself, it's moving, I'm making a progress and it should be considered. It's not easy to inhale and accept failure. Never easy.
Fear of showing my original persona. I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't think of any other way to call it, even describe it. I can say that there are multiple alter egos that I built as I go old, few of them were naturally made, and the rest are for my so-called 'social status'. I am aware of what might happen if honesty takes place, it'll be insensitive of me and made me realize that being 'genuine' only ponders answers that are not offensive to one's ears. We can't be genuine about the negativity and critics we observed because it'll be considered an insult or backlash. I had no problem with that considering that I have a precious relationship with dishonesty, I find it easy to do 'I could do that. I think I can adapt'. In any sudden situation, I always think first if my remarks will hurt the other. Not everyone knows the fact that I'm a sadist, and I think not everyone should know about that. Disclosing my original self outside my alter ego means implicitly telling that I'm brusque and insensitive, and it means losing people around me. People pleaser. Despite my harsh character, I still wonder where the room for diffidence came from, and that made me realize that I wasn't as strong as I think. I act like I don't care most of the time that it became a habit, I had to restrain myself from showing much reactions toward anything. The first answer as to why would be 'because I know everyone has difficulties to deal with.'. They might listen but would that help the both of us? If I can manage it solely if it's tolerable, then why not carry it alone? You see, pride isn't in the picture, not even a glimpse, so what is this all about? it's because I treat others the way I hope, and desire to be treated. Consequently, it comes to a reality to accept, the way of accepting it depends still on you; bitter, no-choice sigh, etc., as for me, creatively speaking, I preferred to shut it off in the farthest room of my mind, to ignore and take the risk. 'It's good while it lasted', and after it ends, I need to swallow these feelings down because 'I need to be held accountable for what I feel'. I've always been good at refraining myself from blaming others for my actions because I believe that 'I should be responsible for my choices, even if it's driven by emotions'. I fear that if anyone will see my original self, I might crumble because I'm not strong as anyone thought of, I'm not as strong as I think of myself.
I know that anytime soon, these fears should be acknowledged and expressed to recede the weight of those that I have been carrying since I was young. It's tiring, y'know. I'm trying hard to be someone for everyone and I hate that I am waiting to be recognized for something I decided to hide and do. This has to stop, I know. It's still vague to me, the idea of something stopping me from being the authentic me. 'What would I do If I knew what it was(that is stopping me)?' I decided to be a better version of myself, but it is not a change that I accepted, I started to lose myself. I guessed then, that change never happened, It was me trying to impress everybody. Fear was there, always been, but that shouldn't hold you back from things that you take pleasure from, that shouldn't take your freedom away from your grasp.
Listen to: Never Mind - Suga
"If there’s no way back, go straight. Forget about all your mistakes"
"There’re a lot of things in the world that you can’t control"
"It won’t be easy, but have this engraved in your heart. If you think you’re gonna crash, accelerate even harder, you idiot
Translation credits to @doolsetbangtan :
Note:
ㄴ I wrote this for uncountable months, I had inner struggles; 'am I ready to reveal such personal monologues?'. I discovered a lot about myself and how to deal with my own difficulties. Writing this took me so much courage and bravery. With no regrets, I poured everything through words, I could only sigh now that it's finished.
Comments