Why are you writing?

I like it. I like writing as much as I like sleeping, but that's a different story. When I was young, I used to draw stickman scenarios, creating stories with princesses and any other fairy-like images. I remember always having a pen and paper everywhere I go, maybe school, the mall, or even church. I started the actual writing when I was in 6th grade, a teacher chose me as a scriptwriter for a Radio Broadcasting competition (she already mentioned that I'll be part of the team when I was still in 5th grade) that'll be held outside the school. I felt happy and nervous, I feel like I know nothing about writing, but when we were asked to write a script after a short lesson, I felt like I could write thousands of articles. Finally, I found what I am passionate about.

I like wordplays, may it be lyrics or poems, I like to play with the meaning of the words, making it more deep and special. Whenever I write something for schoolwork, I feel ecstatic "Finally, something in my coverage". I first wrote articles, then poems, then fictional stories, and then creative writing. I don't really know what to call my current writing style, but I like it, and essays too! I remember creating a Facebook page for my poems, a so-called safe place when I wasn't insecure about everything yet. My parents have always supported me in writing, they know I'm great at it. Too confident? no, I just know my pieces are great and beautiful but still need improvement. Maybe looking at others' works gives me personal confidence and higher self-esteem, knowing that I do better than others. I know the capacity, and worth of my pieces, I could literally say where to improve and where to limit things, how good my works are compared to the other, and how bad my works are compared to the other. I hate biases, especially in writing, so I know if my works are bad or good enough by looking through details and word usage.

It's strange that these words are the source of my comfort, that these mere words can be the chaos in my head, actively creating a short piece, I couldn't tell more. Thinking that I could really create my own world, or if a writer left a story unfinished or had an unusual or unlikeable ending, I could easily make one. I then realized that I hold so much power, I feel like I'm in a fantasy book, these hands can make themselves their own world. "But laziness is a big hindrance, apart from Social media. ", this is what I first thought, that I could've had many pieces as of now if I didn't let laziness interfere with my writing. I figured out that when I write, I like to have a deadline or it had to be a necessary document. I like to rush myself, I feel more giddy and smart like I'm running in a cold field. They said that if you do something in a rush, it wouldn't turn out good, but not when you're doing something you're passionate about. Even if the due is in ten, I could write an essay or two because I enjoy it. I don't feel pressured because It's something I really like to do.

Of course, there are frustrations that involve personal factors. There are times that I couldn't write because there's something wrong with me, but I can't point it out, resulting in frustration. My mind could be blank, the words jumbling and then disappearing, It's hard to write at those times because I'm not just writing, I'm telling my emotions, but I can't. It's like a mountain, so far yet so near, out of someone's grasp because you need to have the courage to actually move forward and reach for it. If I'm not able to solve my issues, I wouldn't be able to write, but no, I'm too hard-headed to face them, instead, I calm myself down and tell myself you're just panicking, you've always encountered this with yourself, collect yourself and breathe again. I could call it a coping mechanism, though it sounds bad, but still works. I needed motivation. Finding inspiration is one thing in writing, but the motivation, the courage, where will you get it when you're in the cave of solitude? You have to help yourself because no one will do it for you are my words towards independence. It's a matter of self-knowledge if you could do such a thing, if you know you're strong enough to gaslight yourself, then it'll work.

There's a lot of realism to face in this field, I know. The opportunities are less, I know. This field is not as wide as the others, I know. But it's something that you couldn't take away from me by several mere negativity, It's my passion that you had to break. If you liked something too much, it could fade away, I could say that in my journey in writing, I've encountered slopes, where motivation is nowhere to be seen, and I learned that I just need air to breathe, collect my thoughts about writing and what I want it to pursue, I need to regain my energy and mind about what I love. I write less, I know because having the courage to hold a pen or open a document, having a pure mind about writing, and having the courage to be creative is hard enough to find. And this is where I knew, everything takes time.

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